On this page you will find a list of of presentations that I have presented at conferences at local, state, and national level. The majority of these presentations have occurred while collaborating with undergraduate and/or graduate students. Please feel free to contact me if you …
My personal research interests include commitment in couple relationships, romantic relationship formation, marriage, decision-making during emerging adulthood (18-29 year olds), and Marriage and Family Therapy theory. I am currently exploring with my research team a new phenomenon in romantic relationship formation which I call just …
This page highlights my publications through books, research journal articles, and professional blog posts. For a current and complete listing of all my peer reviewed presentations you can visit my presented research page. Although my personal contribution to the field may be modest compared to …
Being in any kind of relationship with anxiety can be quite intimidating. But have you ever found yourself needing to tell your partner something super important, but you felt too nervous to tell them because you were worried they were going to see you differently …
There are times when one partner in a relationship wants to leave, but is simply afraid of hurting their partner’s feelings, or scared of what life may be like outside of a now-comfortable relationship. Maybe this is you, or a close friend, but whoever it …
Psychiatrist and professor at Harvard Medical School, Dr. Robert Waldinger, has overseen an on going 75-year study along with many of his colleagues to find an answer to a question that potentially everyone tries to figure out at some point in life. What makes us …
Am I dating a narcissist? The question that many romantic partners avoid at all costs. You may relate to this avoidance as you have found yourself many times afraid to let yourself fully answer this question. Or maybe the word narcissist is new to you. …
How to tell your romantic partner, “I need space”- a phrase that typically sounds the alarm sirens in a romantic relationship. Have you ever found yourself in a romantic relationship where you feel oddly suspicious about how well things are going? You can feel the …
When does the nightmare end? What is intimate partner violence recovery? The question many intimate partner violence survivors find themselves wondering over and over again as they struggle to put the pieces of their lives back together after years of abuse. Maybe you are one …
COVID-19 dating, a phrase we never could have imagined on New Year’s Day. Flashback to January 1st, 2020. You may have found yourself surrounded by family as you welcomed the new opportunities and challenges that would arise in 2020. Or maybe you found yourself on …
Cheating, the word no one wants to hear in a romantically committed relationship. Finding out that your romantic partner cheated on you can leave you feeling completely blindsided. You may find yourself feeling paralyzed as questions about what went wrong flood your mind. Many will …
If ghosts are not real, then why do I keep getting ghosted? Previously on this blog we have discussed ghosting, which has often been defined as a verb that involves ending a romantic relationship by abruptly cutting off all contact and ignoring any communication attempts …
Many of us have a difficult relationship story that we could share. Unfortunately one of the traits of many modern romantic relationships is ambiguity. Many people find that they are riding along with a romantic partner that is less committed and invested in the relationship …
The research literature is becoming increasingly clear about the substantial importance of fathers in the lives of their children. Unfortunately, far too many children in the United States and throughout the world experience father loss. As discussed previously on this blog, father loss can negatively …
When we think of domestic violence we typically just think of one person (often the male) abusing their partner, but it is so much more complex than that. Most domestic violence in the United States is bidirectional, in other words, both partners are being violent …
In romantic relationships, being rejected by a romantic partner for someone else can be one of the worst pains that an individual can experience. This is a heart-wrenching feeling and may lead people to question their self worth, confidence, the intentions of previous partners, as …
Fluctuation are often a normal occurrence in romantic relationships. In fact, fluctuation can occur in even the most flourishing and healthy relationships. When a relationship feels flat, this can provide couples with a time to reassess their priorities and find ways to strengthen their relationship. …
In her book The Defining Decade, Meg Jay, PhD, describes the twenties as “the critical period of adulthood”. She points out that it is only within the past hundred years that this new developmental season has come about. People used to go straight from being …
This summer, I had a painful and somewhat unexpected experience while visiting my recently-divorced mother’s house for the first time in three years with my wife and four children. It was quickly evident that my oldest two children had a strong recollection of some of …
Central to life is decision-making. Each day we face a variety of decisions, and some of these decisions can have a substantial impact on our happiness and our relationships. Accompanying these decisions are often pressures that we feel from family, friends, romantic partners, and our …
Throughout the course of our lives, we all experience violations of love, trust, and loyalty, and there are certainly times we may feel that our relationships are unfair. Like commitment, I have often wondered what the implications would be for our relationships, our families, and …
As a researcher I am specifically interested in commitment in couple relationships, romantic relationship formation, marriage, and decision-making in the emerging adult (18-29 year-old) population. Again, welcome to our blog!
On Valentine’s Day a few years ago, I was asked by my wife to go pick up a couple of extra items at our local supermarket for our family Valentine’s dinner. As I entered the store I was a bit startled by the scene before my eyes. All around me were men scrambling to purchase flowers, chocolates, and other gifts for their significant others. For the most part, it didn’t seem like much thought went into the purchase. Many of these men quickly found the nearest bouquet of flowers and dropped them into their shopping cart. I wondered as I watched the floral section of the store being completely sold out…how much thought was really put into these Valentine’s gifts? How much do these men personally prioritize their romantic relationship in comparison to work and leisurely activities? How do they communicate love in their relationships? Is this the same way they would have acted when their relationship was first starting out? Of course, it is quite possible that these men could be excellent husbands and boyfriends, and simply were looking for one last Valentine’s gift.
For the past six years I have seen individuals, couples, and families as a marriage and family therapist. At times, I have had the opportunity to work with couples who are on the brink of divorce. There are a variety of reasons why I have seen couples in therapy. There may be financial problems, infidelity, addiction, communication problems, challenging mental health concerns (depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc.), and the list goes on. I have found though, that in the grand majority of these cases divorce does not have to be the answer. While I recognize that not all marriages can be saved, I believe strongly that for the most part they can be and should be. Any relationship, if it is not nurtured and cared for, can dwindle and die. However, when partners are united and dedicated to making their marriage work, problems that once seemed insurmountable can be overcome.
Love Your Choice
One of the most obnoxious things I hear as a therapist is the phrase “we have fallen out of love.” For me, this sounds like my clients have taken their fingernails to a chalkboard and are scratching with all of their might. I strongly believe that a person does not simply “fall out of love,” but instead partners make the choice to stop loving each other. They stop doing the basic things for each other that brought them together in the first place. They stop serving each other. They stop expressing their love for each other. They stop planning for their future together. Committed relationships require hard work, dedication, sacrifice, and constant communication. One of the most special moments I have as a therapist is when a couple decides to forgive one another. I believe that so many of the fights couples have can be worked out, but it requires each partner being willing to drop their pride, say “I’m sorry,” and decide to make changes in the way their relationship functions. When individual partners learn to stop pointing their finger at their partner, but instead recognize ways they can personally improve as a husband/wife or a boyfriend/girlfriend their relationship can often quickly improve.
Throughout my education, I have spent a great deal of time researching commitment in couple relationships. I have interviewed both individuals and couples regarding this topic. I have collected survey data from thousands of participants at the university. Commitment is one of the most essential elements for the success of romantic relationships. One of my very favorite quotes about commitment in couple relationships is “Choose your love, love your choice.” Far more than people give it credit for, love really is a choice. Each of us initially have the opportunity to choose the person we will love. Ultimately, if we want our relationship to not only last but to flourish we must love our choice. Loving our choice means that we are fiercely loyal to our partner and make them the top priority in our lives. It means that we treat our partner with kindness and with courtesy. It means that we still strive to do the romantic things we did when our relationship first started out.
Often, I feel like our society makes the concepts of love and commitment to be far more complex than they really are. Each semester I teach hundreds of students at the university about human development across the lifespan. One of our topics during the semester is romantic relationships. During our class discussions, it becomes apparent that many emerging adults are scared of commitment or believe that they have commitment issues. In my experience, this is often due to the example set by their parents (fighting, divorce etc.) or difficulties they have had in current or past romantic relationships. When I hear the phrase, “I have commitment issues,” I believe that the translation really is “I have decision-making issues.” I believe commitment actually is a simple concept and that it can be defined as a conscious, active decision to be dedicated to one’s partner. Regardless of what has observed through your family of origin you can still choose to have a successful relationship. It is true that you can’t control how your partner behaves but you can decide to be the best partner that you can be.
Decide To Have A Committed Relationship
One of my colleagues and favorite writers about commitment in couple relationships is Dr. Scott Stanley at the University of Denver. Stanley and his colleagues have become some of the most established researchers in the world regarding commitment in couple relationships. Perhaps their most influential work has been their commitment theory called Sliding versus Deciding. It’s the idea that when couples are faced with important relationship decisions (when to get married, when to have children, where to live, etc.) some people slide into these relationship transitions, while other people make well thought-out, intentional decisions as a couple. As explained by Stanley, Rhoades, and Whitton in a research article published in 2010:
“People slide into having sex. People slide into having children. People slide into dangerous relationships. In contrast to sliding, there are strong conceptual reasons to suggest that clear decisions generally build the most resilient intentions” (p. 253).
Being intentional in our decision making is extremely important if want our relationships to last. What are you currently doing to decide to be a loving spouse? What are you currently doing to decide to be loyal to your partner? As also explained by Stanley and Rhoades in a 2009 research paper:
“At the root, commitment means making a decision to choose one alternative over others, and that in choosing, one is deciding to give up the other alternatives. Deciding is fundamental to commitment” (p. 35).
We cannot afford to become complacent in our relationships if we hope for them to be happy and vibrant. I believe that our relationships can become more fulfilling and more satisfying when look for ways to grow and develop as a couple. My wife and I most certainly recognize ways that we can continue to strengthen and improve our marriage. Each of us can decide to be more invested in our relationships and choose to love the choice that we have made. You and your partner can choose to have a splendid relationship and be committed to each other. How grateful I am for my beautiful wife who inspires me to become that best husband and father that I can be!