Emerging adulthood is a time of life characterized by decision-making in romantic relationships. Most emerging adults (18 to 29-year-olds) utilize this time for romantic and sexual exploration with ambitions and expectations for marriage (see Millennial Marriage or The Marriage Paradox). Scholars such as Drs. Scott Stanley and Galena Rhoades have argued that the pathway to marriage has become increasingly ambiguous with fewer clear markers of relationship progression and commitment. What seems to be facilitating the formation and development of current romantic relationships is a pre-dating stage known as “just talking.”
In recent years, we have seen increasing ambiguity about romantic relationship formation, along with a decrease in clear signals to clarify intentions of commitment. Unfortunately, current ambiguity in emerging romantic relationship transitions may make it difficult for partners to agree on when the relationship actually began due to multiple types of soft beginnings during which commitment is not clarified. Consequently, the pathways to sexual and romantic partnership have diversified, giving rise to several types of causal sexual relationships and experiences, such as hooking up, friends with benefits, and situationships.
“We’re not dating. We’re not seeing each other. We’re just talking.”
I have continually heard this statement, or something similar, spoken by my students and therapy clients over the years. In 2014, while I was a doctoral student at Kansas State University, I taught two large sections of the course Introduction to Human Development with 700-800 students per semester. This is when my interest in researching the “just talking” trend began. During class discussions, my students explained that most were not going on dates but instead were engaging in a pre-dating phase of romantic relationship formation that they described as “talking” or “just talking.” I was shocked at the time to learn that instead of asking and being asked out on dates, most emerging adults seemed to be focused on communicating through text messages, Snapchat, and other forms of social media. This just talking stage of romantic relationship formation was not unique to Kansas State University, and for the past 10 years at Northern Illinois University, I have continued collecting both qualitative and quantitative data.
Instead of asking and being asked out on dates, most emerging adults seem to be focused on communicating through text messages, Snapchat, and other forms of social media.
Research is still in its infancy regarding the phenomenon of just talking; however, two of the first journal articles about just talking were recently published by Powell et al. (2021) and Hardesty et al. (2024). Thankfully, the concept of just talking finally seems to be gaining some traction as a viable research area, and journals and academic research conferences are increasingly showcasing some of the work that is being done.
The Smartphone Effect
Even back in 2014, it was becoming abundantly clear that dating for the emerging adult (18–29-year-olds) population was being substantially impacted by the advent of smartphones and social media. Although pre-dating behaviors to get to know someone prior to officially dating have been around for decades, the integration of technology into emerging adults’ lives has fundamentally changed how people get to know potential romantic and sexual partners. Google Trends’ searches involving the phrase just talking began in September 2008 and continued to rise until January 2016, where it has remained a consistently prevalent search term (the highest prevalence so far was in February 2024).
It’s important to note that just talking relationships seem to be different than situationships or hooking up. In my research with 655 emerging adults, for instance, 60.9% of participants indicated that “just talking” is a step to entering a committed relationship, and only 21.5% agreed that it involves casual sex. Interestingly, regarding hooking up, our results were nearly evenly split with 35.6% disagreeing that just talking involves hooking up, 33.7% neutral, and 30.7% stating they believed it involved hooking up.
Proceed with Caution
This past July, I attended the International Association for Relationship Research 2024 Conference in Boston, Massachusetts, with two of my students, where we presented the findings from two of our research projects. In our paper presentation, “Proceed with Caution: How Emerging Adults Are Testing the Water in Just Talking Relationships,” we presented both qualitative and quantitative data. Click here to view the handout we distributed during the conference. As you can see in the figure below, there are some differences in the beliefs men and women have about this pre-dating behavior.
*Note. The response options “strongly disagree” and “disagree” were combined to represent how many emerging adults disagreed with the statements about just talking relationships. The same was done for the response options of “strongly agree” and “agree.” The percentage of participants that indicated neutral
on the survey questions is not included.
This mixed methods study was built from the results of a previous qualitative study my colleagues and I completed that has been submitted for publication. We collected data from nine emerging adult focus groups from two large Midwestern universities. Eleven unique themes were generated to identify how emerging adults:
- How Emerging Adults Conceptualize Just Talking
- Pre-dating
- Ambiguity about Commitment
- Unofficial Romantic Label
- Reasons for Just Talking
- Pressure to Keep Options Open
- Protection from Rejection
- Testing the Waters
- Avoiding Defining the Relationship
- Role of Technology in Just Talking
- Increases Pool of Potential Partners
- Comfortable Frequent Contact
- Image Crafting
- Less Effort Required
The Game is Rigged
A consistent finding is that most emerging adults would rather be asked out or ask someone on a date instead of just talking. In my sample of 655 emerging adults, only 7.6% stated that they would rather engage in just talking behavior rather than actually go on dates. In my qualitative interviews, many participants expressed frustration about just talking, but also indicated that just talking is the norm now due to the ease of smartphones and social media apps. It almost seemed foreign to many of our participants to not engage in this pre-dating behavior as a precursor for being ready to date. As one participant explained:
“Just talking means that the couple is in the beginning stages before dating. They have feelings towards each other and are getting to know one another more. There is flirting and hanging out, but they are not quite ready for dating.
Unfortunately, for many of the women that we have interviewed in our focus groups or who have responded to some of our large surveys, the lived experience of just talking seems to favor men. Since just talking is not a “real committed relationship,” many men seem to be talking to multiple women at the same time. While women can also talk to multiple potential partners, it seems that a double standard exists. For instance, one female participant explained:
“So, I think girls when they’re just talking, they’re just talking to one guy, and they’re committed and want it to be something more. But I think guys are kind of playing the field a lot of the time and looking at their options just in case they get friend zoned.”
Another one of the participants in the study explained how just talking can be frustrating, confusing, and even lead to emotional pain:
“It is exhausting. You are constantly worrying whether the other person is into you and whether they are talking to other girls (which you know they are), which drives you insane…From my experience, you always end up with a broken heart. I ended up questioning my worth and became depressed the last time it didn’t work out. I ended up being so played by this guy. I spent the summer avoiding human contact and being bitter in spite of the events.”
The assumption for many emerging adults is that just talking is harmless since the commitment in the relationship is never defined. Many people, especially men, seem to be motivated to avoid rejection, and to still explore their options. Since commitment is not defined, some emerging adults may feel free to “talk” to multiple different partners at a time. This can create unbalanced relationships in which one partner is more committed than the other (see more regarding asymmetrically committed relationships here and here).
Here to Stay
Just talking represents a new and interesting avenue for romantic relationship researchers to explore. There simply is no denying that technology is impacting how romantic relationships are formed. More research is needed to understand how just talking and other steps and stages lead to a committed relationship and even marriage. Just talking appears to be here to stay, since technology continues to be a driving force in romantic relationship formation.
That being said, should emerging adults really abandon dating as a way to get to know potential partners? My advice for those who are looking to pursue a romantic relationship, or who are just talking to someone, is to be clear about your intentions with a potential partner. If you are hoping for commitment from a romantic partner, don’t wait too long before defining the relationship. And have the courage to clarify the commitment in the relationship.
My daughter recently turned 20 years old, and my wife and I want to do all that we can to help her make thoughtful and intentional choices that can lead to a loving and committed marriage. What we need to be promoting with young people is how they can improve their relationship decision-making skills. We can help emerging adults to carefully consider how their behavior and decisions in relationships can have lasting consequences. We can also provide emerging adults with research-backed relationship information so that they can avoid potential pitfalls.
Emerging adults would do well to stop “waiting for the train” and seeking a soulmate. Instead, they should focus on creating an “only-one marriage” with a committed partner to build a future with. Far too many emerging adults seem to be getting stuck in a relationship that is headed nowhere. It is important that emerging adults and those that support them are able to detect and respond to red flags in a potential romantic partner. Instead of waiting for weeks, months, or even years to pass, be proactive and end a relationship with no future. Emerging adults can learn to navigate and even succeed in this turbulent and confusing dating landscape, but, as my colleague Dr. Scott Stanley would emphasize, make sure to “decide and not slide.”
*This article was first posted at the blog for The Institute for Family Studies on August 13, 2024.
References
- Arnett, J. J. (2024). Emerging adulthood: The winding road from the late teens through the twenties (3rd ed.). Oxford University Press.
- Brown, A. (2020). Nearly half of U.S. adults say dating has gotten harder for most people in the last 10 years. Pew Research Center. Retrieved from https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/nearly-half-of-u-s-adults-say-dating-has-gotten-harder-for-most-people-in-the-last-10-years/
- Charmaz, K. (2014). Constructing grounded theory (2nd ed.). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.
- Fielder, R. L., Walsh, J. L., Carey, K. B., & Carey, M. P. (2014). Sexual hookups and adverse health outcomes: A longitudinal study of first-year college women. Journal of Sex Research, 51, 131–144.
- Hardesty, M., Wilson, S. E., Wasserman, L., Young, S., Massey, S., & Merriwether, A. (2024). What Are College Students Talking About When They Say They’re “Just Talking?”. Emerging Adulthood, 12(3), 372-386.
- Knopp, K., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., Markman, H. J., & Knopp, K. (2020). “Defining the relationship” in adolescent and young adult romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37, 7, 2078-2097.
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- Pew Research Center (2020). The virtues and downsides of online dating. Retrieved from: https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/wp-content/uploads/sites/9/2020/02/PI_2020.02.06_online-dating_REPORT.pdf
- Powell, D. N., Freedman, G., Jensen, K., & Preston, V. (2021). “Talking” as a romantic interaction: Is there consensus?. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 20, 4, 384-404.
- Ritchie, L. L., Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2021). Romantic alternative monitoring increases ahead of infidelity and break-up. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38, 2, 711-724.
- Scollo, M., & Poutiainen, S. (2019). “Talking” and tapailla (“seeing someone”): Cultural terms and ways of communicating in the development of romantic relationships in the United States and Finland. In M. Scollo & T. Milburn (Eds.), Engaging and transforming global communication through cultural discourse analysis: A tribute to Donal Carbaugh. (pp. 129-155). Madison, NJ: Fairleigh Dickinson University Press.
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- Stanley, S., & Rhoades, G. (2009). Marriages at risk: Relationship formation and opportunities for relationship education. In H. Benson & S. Callan (Eds.), What works in relationship education: Lessons from academics and service deliverers in the United States and Europe (pp. 21–44). Doha, Qatar: Doha International Institute for Family Studies and Development.
- Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Whitton, S. W. (2010). Commitment: Functions, formation, and the securing of romantic attachment. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 2, 4, 243-257.
- Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., Scott, S. B., Kelmer, G., Markman, H. J., & Fincham, F. D. (2017). Asymmetrically committed relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 34, 1241-1259.
- Stanley S. M. Rhoades G. K. Kelmer G. Scott S. B. Markman H. J. & Fincham F. D. (2019). Unequally into “us”: characteristics of individuals in asymmetrically committed relationships. Family Process 214–231.
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- Wasserman, L. (2023). From “calling” to “just talking”: An exploration of a changing relationship terminology as a linguistic societal phenomenon. [Undergraduate honors thesis, Binghampton University]. The Open Repository at Binghamton.
- Willoughby, B. J. (2021). The millennial marriage. New York, N.Y.: Routledge.
- Willoughby, B. J., & James, S. L. (2017). The marriage paradox: Why emerging adults love marriage yet push it aside. Oxford, England: Oxford University Press.
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I am an associate professor at Northern Illinois University in Human Development and Family Sciences, and a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. As a researcher I am interested in commitment in couple relationships, romantic relationship formation, marriage, and decision-making in the emerging adult (18-29 year-old) population.
