A Review of “Relationship OCD” By: Sheva Rajaee

Are you or your partner experiencing intrusive thoughts about your relationship, your feelings, your sexual connection, your expectations, or worries about the future? Maybe you have noticed what feels like cold feet when it comes to commitment. You might find yourself asking:

• “What if they are not the right person?”
• “Are we compatible, or am I settling?”
• “Shouldn’t I know if they are the one?”

These questions can feel overwhelming when they repeat and intensify. Many people grow up believing that relationships should feel simple and certain if we are with the right person. Yet commitment often requires the willingness to move forward even when some uncertainty remains. Marriage and family therapist Sheva Rajaee describes how cultural messages about love often reinforce what she calls MOTO, the Myth of the One, which promotes the belief that finding the right partner should eliminate doubt entirely (Rajaee, 2022). Yet commitment often requires the ability to move forward even when some degree of uncertainty is present, a theme Rajaee emphasizes throughout her book Relationship OCD.

Editor’s Note and Disclaimer: This book review is not intended to serve as a self-diagnosis for any disorder. If you believe you may be experiencing symptoms described here, please consult a licensed mental health profession or speak with your doctor to explore proper diagnosis and treatment options. It is not intended to diagnose or treat any mental health condition. This review is written for a general audience and emphasizes relationship doubt, commitment, and uncertainty rather than clinical diagnosis. If the material feels distressing or personally relevant, seeking support from a licensed professional may be helpful. All examples referenced are drawn from the author’s work.

When Normal Relationship Anxiety Becomes Something More

Some degree of uncertainty is normal in close relationships. However, when doubt becomes intrusive, persistent, and distressing, it may resemble obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD). OCD is characterized by obsessions, which are unwanted, intrusive thoughts, and compulsions, which are behaviors or mental acts performed to reduce distress (American Psychiatric Association, 2022; National Institute of Mental Health, n.d.).

One way OCD can present is through relationship obsessive–compulsive disorder (ROCD), in which obsessions and compulsions focus on one’s partner, one’s feelings, or the “rightness” of the relationship (Rajaee, 2022; Doron et al., 2012). Individuals with ROCD often engage in extensive internal checking, reassurance‑seeking, or avoidance in an attempt to gain certainty about the relationship.

Research on commitment uncertainty helps clarify why this form of doubt can feel so destabilizing. Commitment uncertainty refers to fluctuations or lack of clarity in dedication to a relationship and is conceptually distinct from dissatisfaction or incompatibility (Owen et al., 2014). Individuals may remain emotionally invested while feeling unable to decide whether to fully commit, leading to rumination, anxiety, and paralysis. In ROCD, this uncertainty is frequently misinterpreted as evidence that something is fundamentally wrong.

What ROCD Can Look and Feel Like

Rajaee illustrates a common ROCD loop:

• You: “What if I didn’t mean it when I said ‘I love you’? What if I’m actually lying to my partner and have been lying for a while now?”
• Brain: “That’s a very valid thought. Good point! We should figure out the answer to this question—otherwise loneliness and despair might be in our future.”
• You: “I hate being alone. I really don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. Let’s get to the bottom of this.”
• Brain: “Good thinking!”

Rather than resolving the fear, this cycle often leads people to endlessly analyze their feelings, compare their relationship to others, or seek reassurance online. Rajaee emphasizes that the pursuit of certainty tends to intensify doubt rather than relieve it (Rajaee, 2022).

Compulsions That Maintain ROCD

Rajaee describes several types of compulsions that reinforce ROCD.

1. Overt Compulsions: These behaviors include checking, washing, organizing, or ritualized actions aimed at reducing anxiety (American Psychiatric Association, 2022).
2. Avoidance Compulsions: Avoiding intimacy, affection, attractive people, or romantic media in order to prevent triggering doubt (Rajaee, 2022).
3. Reassurance‑Seeking Compulsions: Repeatedly asking others for validation, confessing doubts, searching online for answers, or monitoring internal sensations. Reassurance‑seeking provides short‑term relief but maintains anxiety over time (Kobori & Salkovskis, 2013; Salkovskis, 1996).
4. Mental Compulsions: Rumination, mentally replaying conversations, or checking feelings for certainty. These covert behaviors function similarly to overt compulsions and are central in ROCD (Rajaee, 2022).

Two Primary Forms of ROCD

Partner-focused ROCD involves fixation on perceived flaws in a partner, such as appearance, intelligence, or personality (Doron et al., 2012).For example: “My partner is quiet and reserved around my friends. Maybe my friends will eventually think they’re boring, and that means I’m settling.”

Relationship-focused OCD centers on doubts about compatibility, feelings, or whether the relationship feels “right” (Rajaee, 2022). For example:
“I can’t get fully aroused when we’re intimate. Does this mean we are no longer compatible?”

These concerns often become more pronounced during transitions or when long‑term commitment is being considered.

Rajaee (2022) also includes a self-reflection inventory designed to help readers recognize potential ROCD patterns. The following items are adapted from the inventory presented in the book.

Commitment, Uncertainty, and Choosing with Intention

Research on commitment provides an important lens for understanding persistent relationship doubt. Dr. Scott Stanley and colleagues distinguish between dedication commitment, the desire to be with a partner and build a shared future, and constraint commitment, the factors that make leaving a relationship difficult, such as time invested, shared responsibilities, or fear of loss (Stanley & Markman, 1992; Stanley et al., 2006).

Stanley’s concept of “sliding versus deciding” highlights how many couples drift into significant relationship steps without intentionally choosing them. Moving in together, increasing emotional dependence, or avoiding conversations about the future can all increase ambiguity. Over time, this lack of intentional decision‑making can create anxiety and make doubts feel urgent (Stanley et al., 2006).

This framework aligns closely with Rajaee’s work. Persistent doubt is often less about a lack of love and more about unresolved questions of commitment that the mind attempts to resolve through rumination, emotional checking, or reassurance‑seeking. Unfortunately, these strategies rarely bring clarity. Instead, anxiety grows when individuals believe they must feel completely certain before committing.

Both commitment theory and Rajaee’s clinical approach emphasize a crucial shift in perspective. Commitment is not something that appears once uncertainty disappears. Commitment is often what allows emotional security to develop over time. Choosing how to act in a relationship based on values rather than fear helps prevent uncertainty from running the relationship, even though it does not eliminate uncertainty altogether.

Moving Forward with Uncertainty and Intention

Although Relationship OCD describes many distressing thought patterns and “worst‑case scenario” ways of thinking, it ultimately serves as a reassuring and compassionate guide for understanding ROCD. What makes the book especially valuable is that it goes beyond simply identifying these patterns. Rajaee offers tools, explanations, and exercises that encourage reflection rather than fear. Through practical examples and interactive components, readers are guided to step back and observe how their minds respond to uncertainty. The book helps clarify that intrusive thoughts do not necessarily reflect the truth about a relationship or one’s feelings, which can be deeply reassuring.

As someone who has been in a relationship with my partner for two years, reading this book helped me recognize how intrusive thoughts and doubts can arise even within healthy, loving relationships. Rather than framing doubt as a sign that something is wrong, Rajaee helps normalize these experiences and explains how anxiety and uncertainty can take hold when intrusive thoughts are misunderstood or left unexamined.

References

• American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text rev.). American Psychiatric Publishing.
• Beck, A. T. (1963). Thinking and depression: I. Idiosyncratic content and cognitive distortions. Archives of General Psychiatry, 9(4), 324–333.
• Doron, G., Derby, D., Szepsenwol, O., & Talmor, D. (2012). Tainted love: Exploring relationship‑centered obsessive–compulsive symptoms in two non‑clinical cohorts. Journal of Obsessive‑Compulsive and Related Disorders, 1(1), 16–24.
• Kobori, O., & Salkovskis, P. M. (2013). Patterns of reassurance seeking and reassurance‑related behaviours in OCD and anxiety disorders. Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy, 41(1), 1–23.
• National Institute of Mental Health. (n.d.). Obsessive–compulsive disorder. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd
• Owen, J., Rhoades, G. K., Shuck, B., Fincham, F. D., Stanley, S. M., Markman, H. J., & Knopp, K. (2014). Commitment uncertainty: A theoretical overview. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 3(4), 207–219.
• Rajaee, S. (2022). Relationship OCD: A CBT‑based guide to move beyond obsessive doubt, anxiety, and fear of commitment in romantic relationships. New Harbinger Publications.
• Rusbult, C. E. (1983). A longitudinal test of the investment model: The development and deterioration of satisfaction and commitment in heterosexual involvements. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 45(1), 101–117.
• Salkovskis, P. M. (1996). The cognitive approach to anxiety. In P. M. Salkovskis (Ed.), Frontiers of cognitive therapy (pp. 48–74). Guilford Press.
• Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (1992). Assessing commitment in personal relationships. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 54(3), 595–608.
• Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2006). Sliding versus deciding: Inertia and the premarital transition. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 68(4), 499–509. 

Serenity Baskins

I am a senior undergraduate majoring in Psychology with a minor in Family and Child Studies. I am particularly interested in researching various psychopathological disorders such as OCD, GAD, PTSD and more. Alongside researching relationships, commitment, and parental divorce.