Rethinking ‘The One’: How Soulmate Thinking Misguides Modern Love

For a long time, I (Molly) believed in the soulmate script. I assumed “the one” was out there for me and that he would be perfect. I imagined that our relationship would fit together effortlessly, that conflict would be rare, and that love would naturally sustain itself. I now see that this belief was not only unrealistic but also played a major role in the failure of many of my past relationships. The soulmate mindset discouraged the effort and growth real relationships rely on. And I am far from alone in holding these beliefs. A nationally reported poll by YouGov found that 60% of Americans believe in the idea of a soulmate (YouGov, 2021).

Why Soulmate Beliefs Stick and Why They Backfire

Soulmate thinking is appealing because it promises a shortcut. If there is a destined person, you can search until the spark confirms you found them. Today’s dating environment complicates this. As Dr. Scott Stanley explains in Waiting for the Train, modern partner search often swings between searching too little and searching too long, and abundant options can feed the belief that there must always be someone better (Stanley, 2016). Social media adds to this by highlighting idealized couples and life events, which inflates expectations and hides the work behind real connection (McEwan & LeFebvre, 2023).

A related pattern among emerging adults is the marriage paradox. Many still value marriage, yet they delay it because they want to manage risks, focus on self-development, or wait for a perfect partner. These tendencies align closely with soulmate-style thinking and prolonged searching (Willoughby & James, 2017).

Soulmate Marriage vs. the Only One Marriage

In a 2023 IFS blog post, Dr. Jason Carroll differentiates between a “soulmate marriage,” which assumes a one-and-only perfect fit waiting to be found, and an “only‑one marriage,” which is built by two imperfect people who actively choose each other and create oneness through fidelity, sacrifice, and shared life over time (Carroll, 2023). Carroll notes that soulmate thinking places success outside personal agency and encourages a backward sequence for relationship development, while the only‑one model emphasizes that oneness is made, not found (Carroll, 2023).

Carroll also points out that humans are wired for deep attachment, which actually supports the only‑one approach. The problem is not the desire for a special, enduring bond. The problem is believing that bond is discovered fully formed rather than created through ongoing investment and virtue in daily life (Carroll, 2023).

How Our Beliefs Shape Relationship Growth and Connection

Relationship science distinguishes between destiny beliefs, which suggest relationships are either meant to be or not, and growth beliefs, which assume relationships can improve through effort and adaptation. Research shows that these beliefs shape how partners approach conflict, maintenance behaviors, and long‑term commitment. Individuals who endorse destiny beliefs are more likely to interpret challenges as signs that a relationship is fundamentally flawed, and they often overlook partners who might be a wonderful match simply because they do not align perfectly with an idealized image of “the one” (Mattingly et al., 2019).

In contrast, individuals with stronger growth beliefs tend to view difficulties as normal and manageable parts of relational development. These individuals respond to challenges with more constructive behaviors and greater resilience (Mattingly et al., 2019). Growth beliefs also play a central role in facilitating self‑expansion, a process in which partners include each other in their sense of self and grow through shared, meaningful, and often novel activities. As people form and maintain close romantic bonds, they experience a kind of cognitive reorganization, meaning their self‑concept expands as they integrate their partner into their identity and discover new strengths and perspectives through the relationship (Mattingly et al., 2019; Gander et al., 2025).

Individuals with strong growth beliefs are more likely to believe their partner can change and allow time for the relationship to flourish. Contemporary research consistently shows that self‑expansion predicts higher satisfaction, stronger commitment, and more consistent daily maintenance behaviors (Emery et al., 2025). It also helps partners maintain closeness over time (Xu et al., 2019). Individuals with strong growth beliefs are especially likely to engage in self‑expanding behaviors, which reinforce relationship quality by fostering mutual development and deeper connection (Mattingly et al., 2019).

Longitudinal evidence further supports the importance of these beliefs. A two‑year study of 904 couples found that although destiny beliefs predict higher initial satisfaction, growth beliefs predict slower declines in satisfaction over time, offering greater long‑term protection for relational stability (Gander et al., 2025). Taken together, the research shows that partners who adopt growth‑oriented beliefs and actively participate in self‑expanding experiences are better equipped to navigate challenges, sustain closeness, and build fulfilling, lasting relationships.

Why We Miss Good Partners in Today’s Dating Recession

Soulmate thinking invites comparisons between real partners and idealized mental images. Combined with infinite online options and constant exposure to others’ romantic highlights, many people assume a more perfect partner is always out there (Stanley, 2016; McEwan & LeFebvre, 2023). This becomes even more pronounced among emerging adults. Many genuinely value marriage but delay it because they want the timing, the partner, and the conditions to be perfect, which can reinforce unrealistic expectations and make dating feel more high stakes (Willoughby & James, 2017).

New national data show that today’s emerging adults are experiencing a dating recession. The 2025 National Dating Landscape Survey, a nationally representative sample of 5,275 adults ages 22 to 35, found that only about 31 percent of young adults are active daters and that 74 percent of women and 64 percent of men had not dated or had only dated a few times in the past year (Hawkins, et al., 2026). Confidence is also low. Only about one in three young adults feels confident in their dating skills, and fewer than four in ten trust their judgment in choosing a partner or feel comfortable discussing feelings or reading social cues on dates (Hawkins et al., 2026).

Despite lower dating activity, most emerging adults endorse a dating culture focused on serious relationships and emotional connection, which aligns with an only‑one approach rather than a soulmate search that never ends (Hawkins et al., 2026).

Findings from the Wheatley Institute suggest that flourishing couples report far higher levels of proactive maintenance behaviors, such as quality time, acts of kindness, forgiveness, and shared problem solving, than less connected couples. These behaviors are consistent with the only‑one model and illustrate how couples create oneness through daily choices rather than waiting for destiny to do the work for them (Carroll et al., 2024).

Digital Illusions: How Technology Distorts Relationship Expectations

Digital technology now shapes how many people experience, judge, and pursue romantic relationships, often in ways that amplify unrealistic expectations and undermine genuine connection. Artificial intelligence companions, for example, can mirror ideal traits and offer constant validation, which can be especially tempting for those steeped in soulmate thinking. A 2024 IFS and YouGov survey reported that one in four young adults believes AI partners could replace real romance (Wang & Toscano, 2024). Studies on social chatbots like Replika further show that users can form friendship‑like bonds characterized by self‑disclosure and perceived empathy. Although these interactions may feel emotionally safe and immediately gratifying, overreliance on AI can crowd out real human connection and the growth that comes from navigating conflict, repair, and compromise with a real partner (Brandtzaeg et al., 2022; Skjuve et al., 2021).

Social media floods daily life with curated romantic highlights that distort expectations of what relationships should be. Couples often post only their happiest, most photogenic moments, creating a distorted impression of what relationships should look like. How people interpret these comparisons, whether as judgments or opportunities for growth, predicts satisfaction, commitment, forgiveness, and attention to alternatives (Morry & Sucharyna, 2016; Morry et al., 2018). When viewed as unattainable benchmarks, such images fuel doubt and insecurity, but when seen as insight, they can support well‑being and stability. Meanwhile, AI companions add another layer of digital illusion, encouraging idealization and avoiding relational discomfort. Together, these technologies can reinforce soulmate‑style thinking and make real, imperfect, effortful relationships feel less appealing by comparison.