Have you ever been in a military relationship, or found yourself, a civilian, considering getting romantically involved with a military service member? If your answer is yes, or you’re intrigued by the idea, you may have many questions about the unique challenges military relationships face. Being in a military relationship myself, my partner and I have experienced many highs and lows. We face many obstacles far greater than the average couple. Finding a way to feel close to him while being a few thousand miles apart for months at a time can be very challenging. It can become extremely discouraging when all my hard work and efforts don’t seem to make a huge difference.
Loneliness and Lacking Communication
Previously on this blog we have discussed the impact of loneliness on our relationships. Loneliness is a major threat to military relationships. According to a survey conducted by Cohen Veterans Network, “77% of military couples surveyed feel lonely “often” (27%) or “some of the time” (50%)” (Stamford, 2024). Considering these statistics, is should not be surprising that military couples are at an elevated risk to experience isolation, depression, and psychological distress (Carter et al., 2020).
Since my boyfriend’s deployment, feeling alone has become a constant in my life. Not only are we denied access to simple things such as calling each other, but also because the distance has made it extremely difficult to keep up with each other’s lives. A prime example of this would be the dynamics of integrating each other into our families. I really enjoy spending time with his family (they are the closest thing I have to him while he’s gone), but he has not gotten a lot of time to bond with mine. This alone puts stress on our relationship when trying to understand the families that we have come from. Unfortunately, this added stress has manifested in other aspects of our relationship, specifically communication. There have been many times when there is absolutely zero communication between him and me, making the time of deployment feel even longer. Research indicates that communication can be challenging for many couples that have a partner in the military. Below I will mention some ways I find it helpful to pass the time.
Helpful Ways to Pass the Time:
- Spending time with friends and family
- Picking up a new hobby
- Creating a journal
- Joining a new club
- Bettering myself
- Communicating with my partner if/when possible
- Calling a friend when I’m feeling extra lonely
Regardless of what you choose to do to help overcome the long time apart, they all will require some type of effort, but that is just what relationship maintenance requires (Knobloch et al., 2022). You can invest in yourself by trying new things and developing new habits, which in turn can positively impact your relationship. Look for ways to grow and further develop your talents. Finding a sense of purpose and meaning has been shown to be an effective way to combat loneliness.
The Hardships of Staying and Feeling Connected
Feeling connected while being hundreds or even thousands of miles away can feel nearly impossible. You feel as though you know nothing about your partner’s day-to-day life and how they are doing emotionally. According to research, this may lead to major alcohol or other substance abuse issues with either partner (Waterman et al., 2017). Our research team read a great article talking about the importance of good and bad memories and the effects they have on our intimacy and closeness. The article written by Wolf and Nusser found that self-distraction from these bad memories may also lead to a decrease in intimacy. The research also states that recalling bad memories will most likely decrease your feeling of intimacy towards your partner at that time (Wolf & Nusser, 2024). This highlights the importance of remembering the good memories with your partner, especially in the time of deployment and being physically apart from one another. While you are navigating this tricky lifestyle, it is important to continue reminding yourself why it is important for you and your partner to stay committed to one another. These memories will not only cheer you up but will also evoke the meaning of true partnership.
The Importance of Time Spent Together
Feeling that you are deeply connected to your partner is vital through these difficult times. Every relationship is different and requires different care. Considering that, it is important to realize that the dynamics in a long-distance partnership do not look the same as they do in a seemingly average couple. For instance, cohabitation is not an option unless you are married, which is why there is such a strong stereotype surrounding early marriages in the military world. Due to this lack of accessibility, the physical time spent with one another can seem incredibly euphoric. This can be very deceiving to those around you. However, what is widely misunderstood is the importance of spending that time together not arguing or focusing on what cannot be changed, but instead progressing as a partnership. Furthermore, it is best to work through problems as they arise even if it means spending 3 hours on the phone rather than sitting down and having a discussion face-to-face.
Communication Buffering
Military service members play a very important role in our society, and need to be functioning at the highest levels possible. If you are a spouse of one of these service members, it can become difficult knowing what you should and should not bring up in conversation during their deployment. Researchers have found that spouses of military service members will often buffer their communication. For instance, in a sample consisting of 54 U.S. military couples, researchers found that approximately 98% of service members and 96% of at-home partners reported avoiding topics, and focused on keeping discussions positive during the separation to protect their partner from worrying while they were away (Carter et al., 2020). You want to keep things lighthearted because you know they need to stay focused and need a good support system, but sometimes it can be very hard to stay positive. Despite the importance of positivity during these trying times, letting issues fester in a relationship can be incredibly detrimental to the long-term success of these partnerships.
According to Carter et al. (2020), “spouses have reported avoiding potentially stressful conversation topics in order to buffer their deployed spouses from distraction.” While it is important to continue open communication throughout deployments, sometimes it is best to take a few days thinking about what you want to say (in regards to a sensitive topic) before putting the stress onto your deployed partner. Studies show that “soldiers in less satisfying, conflictual, and problem-focused marriages are likely going to struggle more to function optimally in their mission while deployed” (Carter et al., 2020). These specific long-distance relationships come with enough hardships in and of themselves, that it is important to try and maintain a healthy work life. While of course it is normal to have some spillover of relationship issues into other areas of life, it is crucial in trying times like these to stay positive for your partner.
Things to Always Tell Them:
- Positive life events
- Good news about friends and family
- New job opportunities
Things to Think Twice About:
- Bringing up an argument
- Criticizing their communication availability
- Sharing bad news (that could wait until their homecoming)
Although communication buffering seems like the best option, it does come with a lot of stress for both the active service member and their civilian partner. Studies show this buffering can cause emotional distress as well as lower rates of marital satisfaction (Carter et al., 2020). It is widely seen that communication with family members (and possibly friends) can be vital to helping the service member feel connected to their lives back home, and overall help their mental health through deployments. However, this can become very trying on the civilian’s mental health and relationship stamina. If you find yourself feeling this way, it is best to communicate with your partner about what you could alter to get yourself back into a healthy mindset (because remember you can only help them if you help yourself first).
When looking for things to talk to your deployed partner about, there is always the obvious small talk and catching up. It is crucial to know about each other’s day-to-day lives when possible to stay connected, but it is also important to express your affection. Studies have emphasized the importance of love talk, so that you can communicate affection and reassurance to your partner (Carter et al., 2018) when building commitment from afar. Remember that your partner most likely wants the same reassurance that you want!
What Commitment Has Taught Us
If there is one thing we have learned about commitment, it is that it takes work, a lot of it. As we have previously discussed on the blog, commitment is a conscious and active decision to be dedicated to your partner. Commitment in any relationship never comes easy, but especially when you are so far away from your partner. Long distance couples report higher relationship satisfaction due to the more extensive emotional bond they create together (Maurer, 2018). When your relationship is based mostly off of online communication, you have more opportunities to create “small talk” with your partner and are able to learn more about them. Along with these benefits, you also create a better understanding of trust. Being physically far from your partner stresses the need to learn to believe what they tell you and believe that they have the same level of commitment as do you (helping create the better emotional bond). Commitment is all about wanting to grow together and basing your actions off of the other person.
As explained by Practical Psychology (2023) regarding long distance relationships, “Staying positive about the distance and knowing it is not forever will help you deal with the situation more easily.” This sentence is one that will always be so important to remember. Nothing is permanent if you don’t want it to be. As long as you and your partner have the same ideas of commitment and what it means to stay loyal to one another, the long-distance will only help your growth as a partnership. All that you and your partner learn through these difficult times will allow you to learn and understand better communication skills that will help you better your commitment in the future.
Is It Worth It?
The most common question I get asked is, “Is it worth it?” being in a romantic relationship with a member of the military. Now, the response will vary from relationship to relationship, but my answer is always yes. These trials and tribulations allow us to grow stronger as a couple and make us appreciate the time we spend together even more. However, it is essential to make sure you are both on the same page and are ready for the same level of commitment. As talked about in many other blog posts, it is very important to decide, and not to slide.
Additional Resources
- Psychology Today
- Peer Support for Military Spouses and Partners
- Military Spouse Landing Page · United Service Organizations (uso.org)
Additional Information
- Read more at The Impact of Loneliness on Our Relationships
- Read more at So Close, Yet so Far: Commitment and the Challenges of Long-Distance Dating Relationships
- Read more at The Impact of Substance Abuse on Couple and Family Relationships
References
- Carter, S. P., Loew, B., Allen, E. S., Osborne, L., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2015). Distraction during deployment: marital relationship associations with spillover for deployed army soldiers. Military Psychology : The Official Journal of the Division of Military Psychology, American Psychological Association, 108–114.
- Carter, S. P., Osborne, L. J., Renshaw, K. D., Allen, E. S., Loew, B. A., Markman, H. J., & Stanley, S. M. (2018). Something to talk about: topics of conversation between romantic partners during military deployments. Journal of Family Psychology : Jfp : Journal of the Division of Family Psychology of the American Psychological Association (Division 43), 22–30.
- Carter, S. P., Renshaw, K. D., Allen, E. S., Markman, H. J., & Stanley, S. M. (2020). Everything here is fine: protective buffering by military spouses during a deployment. Family Process, 1261–1274.
- Knobloch, L. K., Monk, J. K., & MacDermid Wadsworth, S. M. (2023). Relationship maintenance among military couples. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 734–772.
- Maurer, M. (2018). Long distance relationships: How technology and the internet are used to form and foster strong Relational bonds. ResearchGate.
- Practical Psychology. (2023, October 8). The psychology of long distance relationships.
- Stamford, C. (2024, February 12). New America’s Mental Health Loneliness Survey: Military Perspectives Finds Significant Portion of Military Couples “Often” Feel Lonely. PR Newswire.
- Waterman, E. A., Wesche, R., Leavitt, C. E., Jones, D. E., & Lefkowitz, E. S. (2017). Long-Distance Dating Relationships, Relationship Dissolution, and College Adjustment. Emerging Adulthood, 5(4), 268–279.
- Wolf, T., & Nusser, L. (2024). How remembering positive and negative events affects intimacy in romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 0(0).
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I am a junior at Northern Illinois University. I am majoring in Human Development and Family Sciences with an emphasis in Family Social Services with a minor in addiction studies. When I graduate, I plan to work as a social worker, then get my master’s and work as a therapist!
