Despite modern technology allowing us to be constantly connected, many adults in the United States report feeling isolated or lacking companionship, which is consistent with national surveys and public health surveillance on social connection and mental health (American Psychological Association, 2025; Bruss et al., 2024). One of the major ways to prevent loneliness is to have a good support network. This is true not only in platonic friendships but also in romantic relationships. Couples who cultivate the friendship inside their relationship tend to experience stronger dedication and stability, which aligns with commitment research showing that satisfaction, shared investments, and limited attractive alternatives reliably predict higher commitment and persistence over time (Le & Agnew, 2003; Tran et al., 2019).
It is not enough to just have friends. The quality of friendships matters. This is especially true as people enter their 30s, when the quality of friendship becomes more predictive of wellbeing than the quantity of contacts (Carmichael et al., 2015).
The Six Building Blocks of Friendship
What separates an acquaintance from a friend, and what makes a friend a best friend? Mendelson and Aboud (1999) describe six functions of friendship:
- Stimulating Companionship: doing enjoyable, amusing, or exciting things together
- Help: providing guidance, assistance, and other forms of aid
- Intimacy: being sensitive to the other’s needs and states and being open to honest expressions of thoughts, feelings, and personal information
- Reliable Alliance: remaining available and loyal
- Self‑Validation: reassuring, encouraging, and otherwise helping the other maintain a positive self‑image
- Emotional Security: providing comfort and confidence in novel or threatening situations
These same functions are building blocks of commitment in romantic relationships. Reliability and emotional security support trust and dedication. Intimacy grows when partners feel understood and cared for, which relationship scientists call perceived partner responsiveness. Responsiveness is associated with greater intimacy and strengthens the components that feed commitment over time, including satisfaction and investment (Segal & Fraley, 2016; Reis et al., 2004). Investment perspectives further suggest that shared time, effort, and resources become reasons to stay, which helps explain why friendships and supportive couple dynamics both buffer against loneliness and promote persistence (Rusbult et al., 1998; Le & Agnew, 2003).
Some of these areas are more difficult to foster than others. People are lonely because they cannot commit to the personal sacrifices necessary to nurture meaningful community. Friendship requires you to be there for your friends, even when it is emotionally taxing or time consuming. Choosing to show up is also the mindset that strengthens commitment in romantic relationships, since pro‑relationship behaviors accumulate and signal dedication over time (Van Lange et al., 1997).
Fun That Forms the Bond
Doing activities can be the easiest part of a friendship, the most basic thing bringing two people together. Having a common interest or hobby is often what attracts two people to see each other as friends. Whether it is going to a concert, seeing a movie, or playing a sport, people love to do the things they love with friends. However, everyone is unique. It is rare for people to have identical preferences. So, when your friend is having their birthday party at mini golf, and you hate mini golf, what do you do?
Sometimes, to be there for your friend, you need to go somewhere you do not really want to go. You need to do activities that are not your favorite to do. You go to a baby shower and play little games. You try out the new bowling alley your friend is desperate to play at. Not everything needs to be tailored to your exact preferences. Because when you want to do your idea for a hangout, you will want company to do it with. Sometimes it is about who you are doing something with, not just what you are doing. It is a gift to have people you can have a good time with, no matter the circumstance. Not to mention, going out of your comfort zone allows you to discover new things you might enjoy. Being uncomfortable encourages growth.
Connection to Couple Commitment. In romantic relationships, these small accommodations are classic pro‑relationship behaviors. They are part of a broader pattern called willingness to sacrifice, which is associated with stronger commitment, better adjustment, and a greater likelihood of staying together (Van Lange et al., 1997). Responding enthusiastically when a partner shares good news, known as capitalization, is also linked to higher intimacy and satisfaction for couples and close others (Gable et al., 2004).
Helping Hands Strengthen Hearts
Another reason friendships feel more superficial is because people are afraid to ask one another for help. People used to ask one another for a ride to the airport, help moving, or to be a babysitter for date night. Now, people often hire others to do things that used to be simple asks for a friend. Instead of supporting one another, we are outsourcing these services. We are paying people instead of relying on our networks because we are too afraid of burdening our friends. This robs us of quality time and opportunities to show up for one another.
There are also indirect ways of helping each other. There are benefits to completing tasks with company, even if the company is not actively working on the same goal. Body doubling is a strategy used to maintain focus on tasks by working on them in the presence of another person, and it can be especially helpful for individuals with neurodivergences, such as ADHD, that hinder executive function (Eagle et al., 2023). There is a mutual benefit to doing boring tasks with each other. This is not a riveting hangout, but it is one where friends can uplift each other by simply existing in the same place. There is value in spending time with people, even if that time is spent mundanely.
Connection to Couple Commitment. For couples, doing life as a team increases perceived investments in the relationship. Evidence from the Investment Model shows that when partners are satisfied, have invested more time and resources, and see fewer attractive alternatives, they are more committed and less likely to break up. These patterns have been confirmed across many samples and decades of research (Rusbult et al., 1998; Le & Agnew, 2003; Tran et al., 2019). Practical support also communicates pro‑relationship motives, which build trust in a reinforcing cycle that strengthens the bond over time (Wieselquist et al., 1999).
Consistency Is the Core of Connection
These past few years, there has been an emphasis placed on prioritizing self‑care. Self‑care is important. However, it has sometimes drifted from its original purpose and become a way to justify being a flaky friend. Are you protecting your peace, or are you trying to get out of a commitment so you can stay at home and scroll through your phone?
There are obvious exceptions for serious reasons to cancel plans. But this is not always the case. Being tired or just not feeling like going out are not good excuses to get out of plans at the last minute. This is particularly wrong when it is habitual. Constantly cancelling plans disrespects your friend’s time and efforts, especially if they have already made reservations or rearranged schedules.
If you are regularly compelled to cancel plans with someone, reflect on why that is. Is it the type of thing you do together? Consider suggesting something new or negotiating plans before you accept. Be honest with your friends and with yourself. Do not agree to things you know you will want to skip at the last minute. Do not agree to see people you do not want to see. Regardless of your reason, regularly cancelling at the last minute is inconsiderate.
Connection to Couple Commitment. Reliability is central to dedication based commitment, which is the desire to maintain the relationship for the long term. Dedication is distinct from constraint forces, such as leases or shared bills, and it predicts better adjustment and a higher likelihood of staying together over time (Stanley & Markman, 1992; Rhoades et al., 2010).
Why Emotional Sharing Matters
The term trauma dumping describes a person unloading overwhelmingly intense traumatic information onto someone without regard for the listener’s emotional capacity (Prewitt, 2022). This term is helpful for naming when people use a friend like a therapist without consent. However, the term has sometimes been overextended to include normal parts of friendship, like venting. Friends should be able to call each other to talk about a hard day or the struggles they are experiencing. It does not take much. Most times people need an ear to listen and empathize with them. Engaging with a friend about problems has real benefits. When friends co‑ruminate, or discuss an issue repeatedly, they often feel supported and feel like the problem is more solved, although there can be tradeoffs that depend on context and individual differences (DiGiovanni et al., 2025).
This overcorrection has also created emotional distance where people feel like a therapist is the only person they can confide in. Yes, it is wrong to tell people triggering details about very upsetting topics without their consent. Having boundaries is healthy, and some issues are better helped by a professional. That being said, going deeper with friends creates intimacy. Some people are afraid to talk about their experiences because they do not want to overshare. Yet personal disclosure increases feelings of connectedness and strengthens friendships (Willems et al., 2020).
Connection to couple commitment. In romantic relationships, feeling understood, validated, and cared for is called perceived partner responsiveness. Experiments and daily diary studies show that higher perceived responsiveness encourages emotional expression and deeper intimacy, which contributes to stronger commitment dynamics over time (Ruan et al., 2019; Segal & Fraley, 2016). It is also useful to remember that co‑rumination carries both benefits and risks. Meta analytic evidence links co‑rumination with closeness and support, but also with elevated depressive symptoms, particularly among older adolescents and young adults. This suggests that problem‑focused talk should be balanced with shared positive experiences and solution-oriented conversations (Dong et al., 2025; Tilton‑Weaver & Rose, 2023).
Your Village Needs You
It is important to have friends outside of your partner or family. Relational diversity is positively associated with higher wellbeing, which is one reason to build a broad social portfolio that includes friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, and community members (Collins et al., 2022). Often, couples also live within a web of friendships, and features of those networks can shape marital quality and commitment. For example, the structure of spouses’ friendship networks and the degree of social approval are related to marital quality and persistence, which highlights that strong couple relationships are supported by healthy friendships around them (Sauter et al., 2022; Etcheverry et al., 2008).
Life gets hectic, and priorities shift as people marry, have children, and take on new responsibilities. Don’t let your friendships fall through the cracks. It takes commitment to remain a present and supportive friend. The good news is that friendship skills are commitment skills. Choosing to show up, being reliable, helping with the everyday tasks, celebrating good news, and listening well do not just strengthen friendships. These same behaviors strengthen the friendship within your romantic relationship, which increases satisfaction, investments, and dedication over time, and protects both partners against loneliness (Le & Agnew, 2003; Tran et al., 2019).
If you want a village, you need to be a villager.
References
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I am a Senior at Northern Illinois University. I’m majoring in Psychology with minors in Counseling and Human Development and Family Sciences. I am also a Community Advisor here at NIU.
