Let’s take a moment to imagine the purest love you’ve ever received. A love that left you breathless, filled your chest with butterflies, and made you feel on top of the world. Who came to mind? A past romantic partner? Your current significant other? Or perhaps someone you’ve yet to meet?
Now consider this: can we offer that same depth of love and compassion to ourselves?
Learning to treat ourselves with kindness and care is not only healing, it is foundational. It sets the tone for how we want to be loved and how we allow ourselves to be treated in future relationships. Be that person for yourself first both whole heartedly and unapologetically.
The Importance of Love, Happiness and Dopamine
For many emerging adults, romantic love feels like a milestone. A way to express compassion, affection, and warmth. It’s understandable why: love activates dopamine, a neurotransmitter that makes us feel good (Edwards, 2020). Dopamine produces euphoric sensations that boost happiness and pleasure. Who wouldn’t want to feel that?
But if we chase relationships solely for that “high,” we risk entering them prematurely or for the wrong reasons. Instead, we can cultivate those feel-good emotions within ourselves—without relying on another person to fill a void
Before diving into a romantic relationship, it’s essential to nurture your own emotional well-being. Here are some dopamine-boosting activities to consider (Julson, 2025):
- Engage in Regular Physical Activity
- Prioritize Restful Sleep
- Listen to Uplifting Music
- Spend Time Outdoors to Soak Up Vitamin D
- Eat a Balanced Diet Rich in Protein and Low in Saturated Fats
You are the most important person to care for. Starting a relationship before you’re emotionally ready can lead to miscommunication, unmet needs, and diminished self-compassion during difficult moments.
That said, not everyone seeks a relationship to feel better. If you’re able to enjoy life independently and feel emotionally stable, that’s a strong indicator you may be ready to share your life with someone else.
The Benefits of Mindfulness in Relationships
Cultivating healthy relationships begins not only with self-love, but with self-compassion. Dr. Kristin Neff defines self-compassion through three essential components:
- Self-Kindness vs. Harsh Self-Judgment
- Common Humanity vs. Isolation
- Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification with Painful Emotions
Mindfulness, in particular, plays a vital role in developing self-compassion. It involves being consciously aware of your thoughts and feelings, and then taking time to acknowledge them without becoming overwhelmed. Mindfulness allows us to observe our emotional experiences with clarity and gentleness, rather than getting swept away by them.
This quality doesn’t just improve your relationship with yourself, it also enhances romantic relationships. According to Kimmes et al. (2018), mindfulness in interpersonal dynamics fosters deeper appreciation, gratitude, and emotional attunement. When we are present with our partner, we create space for connection, empathy, and shared meaning.
“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” – Buddha
It has also been found that mindful couples experience less negativity, which helps when dealing with stressful situations. This is because couples are less likely to react impulsively to the stressful event, and try to find a mutual understanding instead of acting destructively (Barnes et al., 2007). The study also demonstrated that couples who practice mindfulness have decreased levels of anxiety and less negative emotions. This is important when focusing on healthy relationships that promote well-being, compassion, and a sense of being present with your partner.
Practicing Self-Compassion: Daily Habits for Inner Kindness
Dr. Kristin Neff offers several practical techniques to help cultivate self-compassion and make it a daily habit. These practices are designed to foster emotional resilience, self-kindness, and a deeper sense of connection to our shared human experience. You can find detailed instructions for each exercise on Dr. Kristin Neff’s website. Some of these include:
- Empathize with Yourself: A way to accomplish this aspect of self-compassion involves asking yourself how you might respond to a friend who is going through a difficult time. Many times, we give more grace to others than we do ourselves. Getting into the habit of empathizing with yourself and validating your feelings is one of the steps to developing a greater sense of self-compassion.
- Take a Self-Compassion Break: A self-compassion break is a short exercise to help you focus on the three elements of self-compassion discussed previously. Generally, these breaks are meant to help us ground ourselves and help guide our thoughts with self-compassion principles such as mindfulness, common humanity and showing yourself kindness (Neff, 2025). Try a guided self-compassion break here.
- Journal with Kindness: Journaling can be a powerful tool for emotional processing and personal growth. When journaling with the intention of building self-compassion, focus on treating yourself with kindness and recognizing that your struggles are part of the common human experience (Neff, 2025).
- Reframing Critical Self-Talk: Reframing negative thoughts is a core strategy in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). The first step is noticing when you’re engaging in harsh self-criticism. Then, shift your response to something more compassionate and balanced.
For example:
❌ “I missed that deadline. I’m a horrible student.”
✅ “I’ve had a lot going on lately. I missed one deadline, but I’ve made progress in other areas and worked out an extension with my supervisor.”
Recovering from disappointments and setting realistic expectations are key components of self-compassion. We’re human and we make mistakes. Offering yourself grace is not weakness. It’s a strength that fosters healing and growth.
Why Self-Compassion Is Foundational to Healthy Relationships
Digging deeper into the research, you may be wondering: Why is loving yourself fully, and practicing compassion toward yourself so crucial today?
Studies show that individuals with high self-worth and a clear sense of their value in others’ lives tend to thrive in romantic relationships (Neff & Beretvas, 2012; Neff & Pommier, 2012). Dr. Kristin Neff also found that those who practice self-compassion are more likely to offer trust and social support in friendships. In other words, how we treat ourselves directly impacts how we show up for others.
Self-compassion is most effective when cultivated through healthy, intentional practices. These habits foster emotional stability, relational strength, and a deeper sense of connectedness. Here are five key benefits
- Meeting Your Own Needs: Practicing self-love and self-compassion helps you meet your own emotional needs before relying on someone else to do so. This includes comforting yourself during setbacks, showing kindness when things don’t go as planned, and cultivating a sense of belonging to your truest self. This internal care promotes overall well-being and strengthens interpersonal connection.
- Emotional Equilibrium: Emotional equilibrium means feeling grounded and regulated. You’re able to acknowledge your emotions without being overwhelmed by them. This balance is essential for developing a self-compassionate mindset and for maintaining stability in relationships. Achieving emotional equilibrium is important to developing a self-compassionate mindset.
- Sense of Security: Self-compassion fosters autonomy, confidence, and a clear sense of identity. When you know what you bring to a relationship, you’re less likely to seek validation and more likely to contribute meaningfully. This sense of security supports healthy interdependence and mutual respect.
- Enhanced Resilience: Self-compassion improves our ability to cope with adversity. It helps us forgive ourselves and reframe challenges as opportunities for growth. This resilience is vital in romantic relationships, where partners must navigate conflict and support each other through life’s ups and downs.
- Healthier Future Relationships: Individuals who practice self-compassion tend to be more empathetic, supportive, and nurturing toward their partners. According to Neff, they’re also more likely to give their partner space to be fully human—flawed, growing, and deserving of grace. In contrast, those who struggle with self-forgiveness may unintentionally create conflict or project their inner criticism onto the relationship.
Self-Compassion Is Not Selfish
It’s important to understand that self-compassion can greatly enhance not only romantic relationships, but all the connections we form in life. When practiced with integrity, it fosters empathy, emotional balance, and relational strength. But when misunderstood or misapplied, it can become a justification for selfish or avoidant behavior.
Self-compassion is not about neglecting responsibilities or disregarding others’ needs. For example, refusing to drive your children to school because you need “me time,” without making other arrangements, is not self-compassionate. It’s neglectful. Similarly, reacting to relational hurt by having an affair is not an act of self-care. It is a destructive response that harms trust and intimacy.
True self-compassion means honoring your emotions without harming others. It might look like journaling to process your feelings before having a vulnerable conversation with your partner. Or choosing takeout after a long shift instead of pushing yourself to cook a gourmet meal. It’s about giving yourself grace while still showing up for your responsibilities and remaining committed to your relationships.
Reframing negative thought patterns is healthy, but not when it reinforces unethical behavior. Self-compassion is about growth, accountability, and treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer someone you love.
Why It Matters for Relationships
When we show compassion to ourselves, we’re not just tending to our own well-being. We’re also better equipped to care for others. According to Neff and Beretvas (2013), embracing our humanity and offering ourselves forgiveness can lead to greater happiness and satisfaction in our relationships.
These qualities, such as self-acceptance, emotional awareness, and inner kindness are foundational to forming strong, healthy bonds. Our well-being directly shapes how we show up in the world, especially in our relationships.
Self-compassion helps us meet our own needs, regulate our emotions, and build resilience. It fosters a sense of security and confidence in what we bring to our relationships. However, it must be practiced with care. Self-compassion is not an excuse to avoid accountability. It is a pathway to deeper connection and personal growth.
Bringing this to light is important because since I (Jasmine) am an emerging adult, it took some trial and error to reach the point of realizing how beneficial and freeing it is to fully accept and forgive yourself – to completely be in tune with your mind and feelings. However, this is still an ongoing process. As we are still growing, maturing, and forming our identities, it is important to realize ways of being kind to yourself. Treating yourself thoughtfully, like how you want to be treated by not placing blame nor judgement upon yourself because after all, you are only human, and we all make mistakes. Let us not dwell on the past nor allow ourselves to stay there but find beauty and value in growing and forgiving yourself to feel the love you are deserving of. By also being compassionate to yourself, not only are you considering your own well-being, but you also consider the well-being of others too.
So, with that I encourage you to engage in some self-compassion today.
What’s something great you’ve been able to accomplish lately? If you can’t think of anything, that’s okay too. If this feels like where you are right now, I encourage you to explore the practices we’ve discussed and begin cultivating this mindset within yourself. You deserve your own love and grace. Let that be your starting point.
References
- Barnes, S., Brown, K.W., Krusemark, E., Campbell, W.K. and Rogge, R.D. (2007), The role of mindfulness in romantic relationship satisfaction and responses to relationship stress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 33: 482-500.
- Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (2015, April 22). InBrief: The Science of Resilience. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1r8hj72bfGo
- Edwards, S. (2020). Love and the brain. Harvard Medical School. https://hms.harvard.edu/news-events/publications-archive/brain/love-brain
- Fisher. (2016). Anatomy of love: A natural history of mating, marriage, and why we stray (Completely Revised and Updated with a New Introduction): WW Norton & Company.
- Julson, E. (2025, January 17). 10 best ways to increase dopamine levels naturally. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/how-to-increase-dopamine#bottom-line.
- Kimmes, J. G., Jaurequi, M. E., May, R. W., Srivastava, S., Fincham, F. D. (2018). Mindfulness in the Context of Romantic Relationships: Initial Development and Validation of the Relationship Mindfulness Measure. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 44, 575– 589.
- Koehler, J. (2024, September 18). Achieving an equilibrium of the mind. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-school-walls/202306/achieving-an-equilibrium-of-the-mind?msockid=0e8acc468b1569e41776dec58a6b6825
- Neff, K. D. (2025, June 9). Self- compassion Practices. Self-Compassion. https://self-compassion.org/
- Neff, K. D., & Beretvas, S. N. (2012). The role of self-compassion in romantic relationships. Self and Identity, 12(1), 78–98.
- Neff, K. D., & Pommier, E. (2012). The relationship between self-compassion and other-focused concern among college undergraduates, community adults, and practicing meditators. Self and Identity, 12(2), 160–176.
My name is Natalie Celler. I am a senior at NIU majoring in Psychology. My career goal is to become a Board Certified Behavior Analyst and obtain a Master’s Degree in Applied Behavioral Analysis.
I recently graduated from Northern Illinois University with a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. I am a first-generation college graduate with a passion for being a culturally competent therapist helping individuals and families feel understood and supported through life’s challenges. I now work at the Riverside Counseling Center in Rockford, Illinois.
