Sometimes people don’t fall in love with who their partner is, but with who they imagine their partner might one day become. Someone who only ticks a few of their boxes, but hopefully, with time and experience, can tick all of their boxes. An idea that with just a few nudges in the right direction, their partner will magically become someone they want to spend the rest of their life with. When this happens, attachment becomes redirected from an actual partner to an imagined future, and genuine intimacy is replaced with an illusion of connection, forming the core structure of a fantasy bond (Firestone, 2022).
Have you ever found yourself in a relationship, accepting or excusing your partner’s hurtful behavior, falling in love with your partner’s potential, or feeling compelled to stay in the relationship despite your dissatisfaction? If so, your ideal relationship may only exist in imagination rather than reality.
There was a time in my life I (Adriana) mistook my fantasy bond for being patient and understanding. That the distance and lack of communication was just a phase, and over time, the relationship would become what I imagined. I was attached to the hope that one day he would become more attentive and available. In truth, I was invested in the potential of the relationship rather than to who was actually in front of me. I overlooked and excused the hurtful behaviors because what if one day it would change and the relationship was suddenly how I imagined it.
What is a Fantasy Bond?
Clinical psychologist Robert Firestone coined the term “fantasy bond” as a way to describe a relationship built on the illusion of connection rather than genuine closeness. This concept captures how individuals may cling to a constructed sense of unity that feels safe rather than what is actually reality. What begins as a defense mechanism against insecurity and pain in early life can later reappear in adult relationships as an over-investment of a partner’s potential, allowing an individual to maintain comfort in the illusion without the risks of reality. (Firestone, 2022).
In Firestone’s Separation Theory, individuals defend themselves from interpersonal pain and anxiety by forming an internalized merged identity with another individual, usually a parent or caregiver. As adults, this coping strategy can be transferred to romantic bonds and block real intimacy when the perceived relationship feels safer (Firestone, 2022).
How Attachment Shapes Fantasy Bonds
We develop attachment styles in response to how our caregivers interacted with us. The basis of our adult relationships is formed by early childhood experiences; therefore, our attachment styles describe how we bond with others. Understanding your own personal attachment style can help you understand why you’ve responded the way you did towards certain situations in past or current relationships.
Attachment theory proposes that early childhood experiences lay the foundation for our future connections and interactions in adulthood. When an individual has an insecure attachment, their relationships tend to feel less stable and satisfying. As a result, they may find themselves pulling into a fantasy to feel safer rather than trying to connect for real, especially if a partner is distressed (Fávero et al., 2021).
People who score higher in anxious or avoidant attachments often rely on rigid emotion regulation strategies within their relationships. Anxious attachment is linked to a lower flexible interpersonal regulation, while avoidant attachment is linked to greater self-reliance and emotional distance. Together, these habits can create a defensive cycle where turning inward and relying on a fantasy feels easier than physical connection and intimacy (Mosannenzadeh et al., 2024).
Why Fantasy Bonds Form
As infants, we have the natural ability to self-soothe and comfort ourselves through a number of different techniques. When caregivers are neglectful, unpredictable, and overall, not what we need, children may create an imagined closeness to reduce distress and restore a sense of security and comfort (Firestone, 1987).
As explained by psychologist, Dr. Robert Firestone, in an article for the American Psychological Association:
“In reality, the more rejected the child, the more desperately he or she clings to the mother and forms a fantasy bond with her. In a sense, the rejected child can’t leave home, can’t develop an independent life, and transfers this abnormal dependency to new objects. Consequently, he or she avoids or rejects any experience or person that is not a repetition of the early experience.”
However, this very defense system that protects us during childhood can easily sabotage us later in adulthood. As we become adults, we carry and mimic those same fantasized feelings into the relationships we have formed with others. This becomes a barrier to real intimacy as the individual invests in the idea of the relationship rather than the reality of the partner.
Fantasy Bonds and Asymmetrical Commitment
Fantasy bonds can often overlap with asymmetrical commitment, a dynamic in which one partner is significantly more invested than the other. The more committed partner frequently clings to an imagined version of their partner and the relationship to balance the discomfort of the asymmetrical commitment. The less committed partner typically holds more power over the relationship, which can intensify the other partner’s reliance on fantasy rather than mutual discussion (Stanley et al., 2019).
When one partner remains noncommittal, the unpredictability of their emotional and physical availability can heighten the other partner’s investment that keeps the fantasy alive. Moments of closeness may feel more meaningful to the more committed partner, even if the feeling is not reciprocated. As a result, it’s harder for the more committed partner to see the relationship clearly and to separate the real dynamics from the imagined version being held onto.
Research indicates that asymmetrical commitment is associated with more conflict and lower relationship satisfaction between partners. It is also found to be linked to lower relationship quality and less clarity about long-term intentions, especially in terms of sliding into milestones rather than intentionally deciding (Stanley et al., 2017).
Signs of Fantasy Bonds in a Relationship
Within romantic relationships, fantasy bonds often develop subtly, making them difficult to recognize among couples. Rather than emitting genuine affection and intimacy, fantasy bonds rely on the illusion of romantic connection through recurring patterns and behavior. Over time, these behaviors become embedded in everyday routines, affecting how partners interact on a day-to-day basis. Some common fantasy bond signs between partners include (Firestone, 2010):
- Less Eye Contact: Eye contact is one of the simplest ways to show affection. In fantasy bonds, eye contact generally decreases and becomes avoided during conversations and interactions, hinting at a growing emotional distance.
- Breakdown in Communication: Conversations begin to shift from long and deep talks about feelings, fears, and interests into small, transitional talk or even unspoken expectations.
- Less Affection: Physical affection and intimacy begins to fade and becomes less natural. Partners may still go through motions of being affectionate, such as hugging or kissing, but the affection feels more obligatory than heartfelt.
- Loss of Independence: One or both partners may begin giving up personal interests, friendships, and identities to maintain the relationship in fear of conflict and abandonment.
- Speaking as One Person: In a fantasy bond, partners begin to speak as a unit, answering questions with “we” statements rather than “I.” Speaking as one person can create the illusion of connection between partners, but it ultimately begins to erase individuality and personal identity.
- Using Everyday Routines as a Symbol of Closeness: Activities that were once enjoyed between partners become routines that are substitutes for genuine connection, such as going to the same restaurant every time you go out for dinner, going to bed at the same time, or watching tv together. The relationship might feel strong and stable because these habits are consistent, but in reality, they are only symbols of closeness.
If you want to better understand early warning signs of unhealthy dynamics, you can also explore common red flags in romantic relationships in this guide.
How Fantasy Bonds Impact Relationships
Fantasy bonds can easily shape romantic relationships, shifting focus from reality to imagination. Instead of loving a partner for who they actually are, individuals become attached to a perceived potential. An illusion of believing that with enough time, effort, and experience, their partner will grow into the idealized image they envision in their head. This creates a disconnection between reality and expectation, which often leads to chronic disappointment, anxiety, and an increase in controlling behaviors from one partner when the other partner does not move towards that expected, but un-communicated, transformation.
To preserve the fantasy in their minds, an individual may often make excuses for harmful behaviors. There are many reasons why a partner may make excuses despite the turmoil of “should I stay or should I go.” One of the most common reasons includes the belief that the behaviors will stop after a certain point or milestone in the relationship, such as getting engaged or married, moving in together, or having children. The individual attached to the fantasy bond may try to adjust and repair the relationship, not out of fear of losing their partner, but out of fear of losing out on the imagined future that they have become committed to (Firestone, 2022).
Over time, maintaining a fantasy bond can cause an individual to lose their sense of individuality and identity. In efforts to maintain the relationship, one might sacrifice their own needs, wants, interests, and even boundaries. The relationship shifts, focusing more on preserving safety and security, rather than mutual connection and intimacy. This often leads to internal turmoil as one struggles with knowing they need to leave, but is unable to walk away because they have hopes their partner may change.
How to Heal from a Fantasy Bond
- Acknowledge What Is Real: Become conscious of the reality of your relationship, making the shift from “potential” to “actuality.” See your partner for who they are and your relationship for what it is (Firestone, 2022).
- Clarify Commitment Levels: Ask your partner whether the commitment is mutual or asymmetrical. Name the gap and seek clarity, shifting the relationship from sliding into commitment to deciding to commit (Stanley, 2024).
- Reintroduce Healthy Boundaries: Healthy boundaries builds autonomy and creates conditions for mutual respect, safety, and trust. This allows both partners to communicate directly and ensures they are both heard, understood, and valued, re-establishing a foundation of closesness (Firestone, 2017).
- Strengthen Emotional Regulation: As insecure attachment correlates to less flexible regulation, strengthening regulation capacity by increasing flexibility and balancing self-soothing can interrupt fantasy-maintaining dynamics (Mosannenzadeh et al., 2024).
- Utilize Vulnerability: Honest expression of needs, fears, and limits can help clarify affection and connection within your relationship. If genuine intimacy is not possible, releasing the imagined future keeping you attached is ideal (Firestone, 2022).
Reclaiming Reality
Fantasy bonds can quietly shape the course of a relationship, pulling us toward potential rather than reality. They often grow from old patterns of self‑protection formed long before our current relationships. When combined with uneven levels of commitment, the pull toward fantasy can grow stronger, especially for the partner who is more invested in a future the other has not fully chosen (Stanley et al., 2017; Stanley, 2024).
Recognizing these patterns is not a sign of failure. It is a powerful moment of self‑awareness. Understanding your attachment tendencies, noticing when hope has become habit, and assessing whether commitment is mutual allows you to step out of imagination and back into your own life. Healing begins with honesty and it grows with boundaries. It strengthens when you choose relationships based on who your partner actually is rather than who you wish they might become.
Whether you decide to repair the relationship or make the difficult choice to walk away, moving out of a fantasy bond is an act of self‑respect and emotional clarity. You deserve relationships built on reciprocity, commitment, and genuine connection, not illusion, fear, or longing. Stepping out of the fantasy is not losing something. It is reclaiming yourself.
References
- Berry, K., Wearden, A., & Barrowclough, C. (2007). Adult attachment styles and psychosis: An investigation of associations between general attachment styles and attachment relationships with specific others. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology, 42(12), 972–976.
- Busch, T. M., Goodwin, G. J., Dempsey, M. R., Conrads, G. S., & Wilson, S. M. (2024). Exploring the impact of fantasizing on romantic relationships and attachment. Sexuality and Culture. Advance online publication.
- Fávero, M., Lemos, L., Moreira, D., Ribeiro, F. N., & Sousa‑Gomes, V. (2021). Romantic attachment and difficulties in emotion regulation on dyadic adjustment: A comprehensive literature review. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 723823.
- Firestone, L. (2017, July 20). A guide to the fantasy bond. Psychology Today.
- Firestone, R. W. (2022). Challenging the fantasy bond: A search for personal identity and freedom. American Psychological Association.
- Firestone, R. W. (2022). The fantasy bond and separation theory. In Challenging the fantasy bond: A search for personal identity and freedom (pp. 9–23). American Psychological Association.
- Firestone, T. (2010, March 17). How do I know if I have a fantasy bond? PsychAlive.
- Mosannenzadeh, F., Luijten, M., MacIejewski, D. F., Wiewel, G. V., & Karremans, J. C. (2024). Adult attachment and emotion regulation flexibility in romantic relationships. Behavioral Sciences, 14(9), 758.
- Stanley, S. M. (2024, September). Lopsided love: Understanding asymmetrical commitment in modern love [Webinar slides]. The Dibble Institute.
- Stanley, S. M. (2024, September 24). Commitment, cohabitation, and choices: An interview with Scott Stanley, Ph.D. San Antonio Marriage Initiative.
- Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., Kelmer, G., Scott, S. B., Markman, H. J., & Fincham, F. D. (2019). Unequally into “us”: Characteristics of individuals in asymmetrically committed relationships. Family Process, 58(1), 214–231.
- Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., Scott, S. B., Kelmer, G., Markman, H. J., & Fincham, F. D. (2017). Asymmetrically committed relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 34(8), 1241-1259.
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I am a sophomore at Northern Illinois University. I am majoring in Human Development and Family Science with an emphasis in Family Social Services and minoring in Art. After I graduate, I am going to pursue a Master’s Degree in Social Work and become an elementary school social worker.
I am an associate professor at Northern Illinois University in Human Development and Family Sciences, and a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. As a researcher I am interested in commitment in couple relationships, romantic relationship formation, marriage, and decision-making in the emerging adult (18-29 year-old) population.
Alexandria “Alex” Liebgott (formerly Alex Garwick) is a former member of Dr. Sibley’s Research Team. She graduated from Northern Illinois University with a degree in Human Development and Family Sciences, specializing in Family Social Services in Summer 2021. Alex contributed to the research team during the Spring 2021 semester.
