When we commit our love to one another, we simultaneously place our trust in the ability of others to be considerate of our emotions. In doing so, we give power to those we care about opening ourselves to be more vulnerable than ever before. In a romantic relationship, this vulnerability accompanies a certain level of expectation that develops as our connection deepens. However, when these expectations are unmet or perceived injustices arise, resentment can begin to stew and poison the foundation of the relationship.
This emotional exposure is not a flaw—it’s the very fabric of intimacy. Yet when relational expectations are violated, even subtly, the resulting emotional injury can feel deeply personal. Resentment often emerges not from grand betrayals, but from the slow accumulation of unmet needs, perceived imbalances, and moments of feeling unseen. As Behrens and Kröger (2024) found, the severity of a partner’s transgression—whether it’s forgetting a meaningful date or consistently dismissing emotional bids—can significantly impact both relationship satisfaction and mental health.
What is Resentment?
Resentment is a complex emotional response marked by lingering bitterness, dissatisfaction, and a sense of injustice. It often hides behind the routines of daily life, masked by a couple’s outward harmony. According to Behrens & Kröger (2024), daily behavior patterns are among the most reported relational transgressions. These seemingly minor infractions—forgotten anniversaries, unequal household duties—can accumulate and erode emotional intimacy. Resentment encompasses not only feelings of indignation, but an additional component of wrongdoing and entitlement.
Carlsson (2017) emphasizes that resentment carries an implicit moral judgment: “You should not have done that.” It’s not just indignation—the belief that the other person violated a relational norm. For example: If they truly cared, how could they forget our anniversary? Or how can we claim equal love if I’m always the one cooking dinner?
When our partner falls short of the expectations we have, we often become shadowed with disappointment which may eventually produce an undercurrent of resentment in our relationship.
Unlike immediate anger, resentment grows over time and is amplified by continuous perceptions of wrongdoings.
Causes of Resentment
Because resentment develops gradually, it’s often difficult to trace its origins. Davin (2024) identifies eight common causes of resentment in romantic relationships:
| Cause | Description |
|---|---|
| Feeling Ignored | Emotional Neglect or Lack of Attention |
| Overwhelming Conflict | Frequent and Unresolved Arguments |
| Fault-Finding | Constant Criticism or Nitpicking |
| Passive Aggression | Indirect Hostility or Avoidance |
| Withdrawal | Emotional or Physical Distancing |
| Hopelessness | Belief That Problems Can’t Be Solved |
| Unfulfilled Expectations | Disappointment in Unmet Relational Hopes |
| Unequal Responsibilities | Imbalance in effort or Duties |
In more severe cases, resentment may stem from deeper relational injuries such as infidelity or abuse (Behrens & Kröger, 2024). These situations require not just emotional processing but also safety, support, and professional intervention. For individuals in these situations, feelings of resentment reflect a deeper, more urgent need for safety and support. It is essential to seek the necessary resources if you find that the resentment in your relationship is rooted in such concerns.
The Psychology of Passive Aggression
Rejection from our partner is often one of the most painful types of rejection on our romantic journeys. When an appeal for affection is soiled by feeling ignored or a physical and emotional withdrawal from our partner, it can deeply wound our sense of self-worth and connection. These feelings of abandonment are only exemplified by the passivity that accompanies the toxicity of resentment.
One of the most insidious forms of resentment is passive aggression. Passive aggression reflects an inability to be direct in confrontation and reveals a lack of honest communication. Carlsson (2017) describes it as “aggression that lacks the courage of its convictions.” It manifests in subtle gestures—avoiding eye contact, rejecting a touch, or offering curt replies—that convey hostility without direct confrontation. These behaviors erode trust and block honest communication, making resolution.
As identified by Dr. Kristin Davin, unresolved conflict is one of the biggest drivers of resentment. A crucial aspect of the interaction between conflict and resentment is the ability to confront feelings of contempt openly. It can be difficult to discuss why we feel resentful towards the person we love.
A common adage in relationships is “never go to bed angry.” But in practice, this can backfire. Couples may stay up arguing, face the next day exhausted, and continue the conflict through passive-aggressive texts. Research by Krizan and Hisler (2019) shows that sleep deprivation intensifies anger and undermines conflict resolution. In such cases, resentment is compounded—not just by the original issue, but by the emotional and physical toll of unresolved tension. In other words, understanding that a one-size fits all rule for handling conflict with our partner is not for everyone and may create more tension that can never be truly resolved. Sometimes, the best option is to pause, rest, and revisit the issue with a clearer mind.
Scorekeeping and the Illusion of Superiority
Negative perceptions can be an additionally toxic aspect of how resentment impacts our romantic relationships. Not only is our trust in our partner targeted, but it also undermines our confidence in the relationship’s potential to thrive. Focusing on the negative attributes of a partner becomes significantly easier to do than highlighting the positive aspects. Hyper-fixating on the mistakes of our partner may feed our own ego by providing a false sense of superiority and self-righteousness. This not only cultivates resentment but also hinders emotional intimacy.
As Travers (2024) notes, this act of scorekeeping is an easy pattern to fall into because it can feel natural to want to “keep things even,” yet it shifts the relationship dynamic from cooperation to competition, ultimately eroding trust and closeness. However, in the context of romantic relationships, there should be no winner. This heavily contributes to feelings of inequality in a relationship, further reflecting how each aspect of resentment is intertwined, making it even more challenging to resolve.
Equity and the Need for Balance
Equity theory suggests that people feel most satisfied in relationships when they receive what they believe they deserve—no more, no less (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019). Resentment often arises when responsibilities or privileges are unevenly distributed. For instance, one partner may resent doing most of the housework while the other relaxes or feels hurt when their partner maintains contact with an ex while they’re expected not to.
True relational equality involves two autonomous individuals who pursue mutual thriving. This requires not only balanced responsibilities but also respect for each partner’s autonomy and emotional needs.
Take for example, when responsibilities such as household chores are not equally distributed, or when one partner has privileges that the other does not, it creates a sense of imbalance and unfairness. One partner may grow a hatred towards the pattern of completing a significant amount of housework while their partner is relaxing on the sofa (Davin, 2024). In addition, one partner may be in contact with an ex-lover while the other partner is not allowed to be in touch with any ex-lovers (Ben-Ze’Ev, 2019). This inequality can foster resentment and strain the relationship, highlighting the need for equality sharing of responsibilities and a mutual respect for each partner’s sense of self.
Where Do We Go From Here
Identifying the source of resentment is only the beginning to working towards a more sustainable and fulfilling romantic relationship. Although intimidating, communicating these negative emotions with your significant other is a healthy approach to mediating these resentful feelings. Communication with our partners deems them as someone deserving of honest discourse. Not only is it important what we are communicating, but when and how we are doing so is equally significant in battling resentment. Approaching issues as they arise as opposed to letting contempt brew helps to prevent the accumulation of negative emotions.
Healthy communication involves the art of honest disclosure as well as empathetic listening. The relationship between entitlement and resentment prohibit the ability to accept your partner’s shortcomings with a compassionate perspective. It is important to create a space in which ideas and emotions can be shared and listened to without judgement.
The Role of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is an essential element in couple and family relationships. While forgetting may not come naturally to everyone, we can all strive to be more forgiving. Forgiveness plays an important role in weathering the adversities experienced by couples (Behrens & Kröger, 2024). Shifting from an immediate negative reaction towards a transgression into a more long term goal of maintaining a satisfying relationship has shown to increase relationship satisfaction as well as psychological wellbeing of both partners (Behrens & Kröger, 2024).
Embracing forgiveness and adopting a broader perspective can help couples to build a deeper, more resilient connection. As we strive to love and put faith in our partners, we must remember that overcoming resentment is a gradual process, much like the way resentment itself develops over time. The qualities of patience, understanding, and a commitment to growth can make this process possible. We can learn to re-balance our relationships to make them more fair and equitable.
Ultimately, commitment serves as the foundation which supports couples through the myriad of challenges in resentment and emotional vulnerability. It calls partners to face difficult emotions with patience, forgiveness, and empathy creating a space where passive aggression is replaced with honesty and teamwork. By embracing this dedicated approach, couples can transform resentment from a barrier to an opening for deeper understanding and a long-lasting relationship.
References
- Behrens, C., & Kröger, C. (2024). Daily transgressions and forgiveness in romantic relationships: A longitudinal study of emotional resilience. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 41(2), 215–232.
- Ben-Ze’ev, A. (2019). The arc of love: How our romantic lives change over time. University of Chicago Press.
- Bühler, J. L., & Orth, U. (2025). Terminal decline of satisfaction in romantic relationships: Evidence from four longitudinal studies.Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000551
- Carlsson, A. (2017). The anatomy of resentment: Moral emotions and relational dynamics. Philosophical Psychology, 30(4), 451–470.
- Constantinescu, P. M., & Ghiurca, M. V. (2025). The role of forgiveness in enhancing marital satisfaction: A meta-analysis of empirical studies and implications for therapeutic interventions. Selinus University.
- Davin, K. (2024). Eight causes of resentment in relationships and how to address them. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/path-peace/2024/causes-of-resentment-in-relationships
- Krizan, Z., & Hisler, G. (2019). Sleep deprivation intensifies anger: A test of the emotion sleep model. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 148(8), 1239–1250. https://doi.org/10.1037/xge0000590
- Lahiri, A., & Padmakumari, P. (2025). Beyond apologies: A systematic review of forgiveness in different relationship contexts. Current Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-025-08246-4
- Traut, A. C., Gander, F., Uhlich, M., Weidmann, R., Chopik, W. J., & Grob, A. (2025). Examining change in attachment in romantic couples: The role of relationship characteristics and codevelopment between partners. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 129(3), 602–617. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000558
- Travers, M. (2025, August 4). 2 reasons ghosting hurts more than direct rejection, by a psychologist. Forbes. https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2025/08/04/2-reasons-ghosting-hurts-more-than-direct-rejection-by-a-psychologist/
- VanderWeele, T. (2024). Not just good for the soul: Forgiveness and mental health. Harvard Health Publishing. https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/not-just-good-for-the-soul
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My name is Sara Rozalowski and I am a Senior at Northern Illinois University double majoring in Health & Human Sciences and Rehabilitation & Disability Services with a minor in Family Child Studies. After graduation I plan on going to optometry school to fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming an Optometrist.
Hi! My name is Jordyn Saddler and I am a sophomore attending Northern Illinois University. I am currently majoring in Human Development and Family Sciences with an emphasis in Family Social Services. I not only am a part of Dr. Sibley’s research team but the NIU Women’s Soccer Team as well! I plan on graduating in May of 2025 with goals of becoming a social worker!
I am an associate professor at Northern Illinois University in Human Development and Family Sciences, and a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. As a researcher I am interested in commitment in couple relationships, romantic relationship formation, marriage, and decision-making in the emerging adult (18-29 year-old) population.
